i feel so frustrated it makes me want to scream and cry and curl up in bed and cry some more… i dont want to do another list of pros and cons… its like everything’s misplaced again :(
if you are this, i am that. and everything would be different. but we are not. and nothing has changed.
this is breaking my heart and i feel so alone.
if we’d stop the time. i can predict what you’ll do. and how i’d react. and how you’d react.
getmad.getmad.walkout.
predictable, yet how come i cant change the cycle… something is terribly wrong with me. i realized just now, little by little, im beginning to not like myself or love myself anymore. i need something that will make me like me and love myself the way i used to… just saying.
kinda broken for quite a while now, cant glue myself back together. :|
Do you have a heart of abundance? Abundance in bitterness? love? forgiveness?
i was reading/watching a sermon at www.marshill.com entitled who’s taking out the trash and these statements really struck something in my heart:
“You may have been sinned against. You may have a reason to be angry. You may have a reason to feel hurt. Oftentimes, it’s not because of the degree of the offense, but the proximity of the offender; meaning, if a total stranger does something terrible, in ten years, you’re probably not going to be obsessing over it every minute of every day. But if it’s somebody that you loved and trusted and gave access to your heart and life, and they do something that is perhaps not that grievous, it hurts more deeply, because you love them more intimately.”
“Be angry and do not sin.”
When you’re hurt and bitter, it’s so hard to forgive. I think we force ourselves to forgive someone so we won’t sin but its just we sin all the more by not being true.Its hard to harbour a grudge inside you and keep it and nurture it by thinking about how hurt you are or how bad you feel.
I always think that i have a forgiving heart. That I forgive and never tire to give people a second chance, a clean slate. But I just realized that lately, I’ve been keeping a heart that’s slowly getting bitter, holding pain, and not wanting to let go of the pain. God taught us to be forgiving. He showed us that we can always trade our bitter and sorrowful heart to Him. But its notalways easy to let go, isn’t it?
Mat 12:34 says “…out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.”
Saying “sorry” and saying “don’t worry about it, i forgive you” is hard for some of us. But I pray that God will give me an abundant heart, a heart who lets go of its bitterness so i can always and sincerely say “sorry” and “don’t worry about it, i forgive you” without beoing hypocritical.
what if i made a different choice? i don’t want to have regrets because that choice led me onto s many good things as well… these past months had been quite hard, and its not getting better… :(
this week showed me how to use my brain beyond its usual functions.. hahaha sleepless nights :( mental and emotional rollercoaster itech!!
this week thought me to be grateful for nice officemates and friends. :) just when i thought i wont make it through, lo and behold Time and Labor team stepped up and showed me love :)
thank you ben, ian, terrence, cams and aldrin :) hugs!
its either the pms working or today is just kinda crappy :|
this week hasnt really been that nice to me… i wish i could just put these clothes on and just eat ice cream and bask in the sun..
